I Learned To Swim

I learned to swim

By Fated Xtasy.

Date: June 28. 2015

Sadness, defined as the condition of being or feeling sad, it is an emotion that hold a great number of people within its inexorable grasp. For many sadness is associated with the loss of a loved one, whether through them succumbing to an illness, being murdered, dying in an accident or because they simply left. These are the typical reasons for sadness, the important reasons for sadness.

Do I feel sadness? I can’t answer that. Why? Well it is not because it’s personal; no I’m an open book to those who know me, who truly know me. But the question remains: Do I feel sadness?

I don’t know, I’ve spent many years, much of my youth, drowning in sadness, drowning in self loathing, drowning in my sadness. Perhaps I’ve just become numb to that kind of emotion…

Or maybe I’m more sensitive to it than I was years before.

My theory? I learned to swim.

I’ve numbed to sadness, I’ve grown accustomed to depression, to self loathing, and no one is the wiser. Every smile, every chuckle, every booming laugh, is fake.

I learned to swim…


No one can tell, and that’s good, it makes me a damn good poker player.

Emotions are powerful, I’ve felt them all intensely, Lust, Pride, Anger, Sadness, and Envy.

I learned to swim.

I hate myself, my life, why me?

Emotions swirl around in my head like fierce tornado, I hate people, I love them, then I envy them, then I wish I was dead, and then

Then I stop…

I breathe in and exhale sharply, but they don’t flow out, no instead, they go down, down to the core of my being and they stay there forever.

And I go about my day.

And I keep smiling.

I keep enduring the pain.

Even though I wish I could end it really, really badly.

I don’t feel anything, I’m sorry.

I try to laugh, but It’s forced and fake, I’m sorry.

I try to be there, but I feel dead, empty, I’m sorry.

I want to be with you, but I can’t, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry. I haven’t learned to swim, I’m drowning, falling to the deepest part of this ocean, I want to scream but it’s caught within my throat, I want to tell you so many things before I go, But my mouth is so full of this deadly poison.

I’m sorry, all I can do is cry, and all I can do is hold myself and cry. All I ever wanted was a normal life….all I wanted was happiness…all..i..ever..wanted..was love.

Is…that…too..much too…